Forget Goat Yoga – We’re Doing Doga

24 Jun

I’ve been quarantined since March 15 with my three dachshunds, Murray, Sanders, and Katja. That’s a little over 3 months (21 dogs months) of almost never leaving the house except for dog walks, grocery visits, and flirting with the UPS guy as he drives quickly away, ignoring me.
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After having made all the breads (banana, yeast-based, gluten-free-range-vegan-organic-quinoa) and then eaten them, I decided last week that it was time to more fully commit to getting some exercise at home. So I decided to do some yoga. My dogs had other ideas.

Because I’m not one to keep good ideas to myself, I present here the latest in doga positions (that’s dog yoga for those of you who have taken up day-drinking to cope with this pandemic and aren’t getting the connection). If you, too, are trying to accomplish traditional yoga poses with canines underfoot, you may want to adapt to these new positions:

Tree pose is now Lumberjack (aka, Make the human fall down by pressing cold snouts against the ankle) pose. You will find that this new approach requires additional work from your core, both to remain standing and to laugh at your failure to do so.

Cat-cow pose becomes Tongue in ear pose. Remember, if you can focus on your breathing with a wet tongue in your ear canal, you’ve reached a whole new level of spiritual enlightenment.

Downward dog pose morphs into French kiss pose. This position will help you concentrate on breathing through your nose since your mouth will otherwise be occupied.

Upward facing dog pose becomes Yay, we’re ALL wrestling pose. As your hounds challenge you to a throw-down, remember, you are at one with the doggone universe and do not need to prove who is alpha.

Warrior 1 is now If you fall down and die, we are in the will, right? pose. Let’s face it, if you’re working out at home, death is always a possibility, especially when trying to keep your balance, so make sure you’ve updated your paperwork so the hounds get all your earthly possessions.

Warrior 2 becomes now Toss the ball with either hand pose. It is best to stuff your yoga pants with multiple tennis balls prior to beginning this pose so that you can remain focused on grounding your feet while entertaining whichever dog absolutely needs to chase a ball at this exact moment in time.

Warrior 3 is now Nap under the human pose. Breathe in the calming energy from the creatures snoozing peacefully beneath you. Breathe out any random smells they may emit in their dream-state.

Bridge pose morphs into Elevator (aka, Ride up and down on a stomach) pose. Imagine your hips opening up and your spine aligning as you push off the ground with 15-150 extra lbs. draped across your abs.

Plank pose is … Okay, let’s just admit we don’t do this pose. It’s too hard, it hurts, and who are we, Wonder Woman?

Child pose becomes I’m hiding here because I’m the favorite pose. This is a pose best left to tiny dogs as those with some heft will find it difficult to tuck in beneath your chest and knees. As you stretch your your spine and hip flexors, remember that sometimes hiding away is all the exercise we need.

Lotus position is now Snout in crotch position. Truthfully, if you’re over 40, you don’t want to hold this position for more than a few seconds anyway because your inner thighs will start to cramp up, so a quick nose in a sensitive spot will remind you to take it easy on yourself.

Corpse pose morphs ins Check pockets for treats pose. As you lie face up, breathing deeply and appreciating your body and the universe, remind yourself that being optimistic enough to always believe there are more treats is a quality you should aspire to possess.

I hope doga works as well for you as it does for me.

Barkmaste.

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