Is Your Dog a Diva?

The other night I was browsing through a pet catalog when one of my dachshunds, Penny Royal, planted her paws firmly on my knee and gave me that look that clearly said, “The bottled water in my bowl has been depleted. Please take care of this situation before I have to have my people call your people.” In that moment, I realized she has become a diva. Her brothers Justin and Watson are the male equivalent – is there such thing as a miva?  

When I say “diva,” of course I don’t mean a famous female singer, because while Penny can howl a good tune, no one would mistake her for Celine Dion. And the boys? Well, let’s just say they’re tone deaf. What I mean by “diva” is someone who expects the world to revolve around her (or him). There’s at least one in every household, and if your household doesn’t currently include teenagers or cats (all cats are divas), chances are it could be your dog.  

If you want to know whether your dog is diva take this quick quiz (note, you may insert “he” where I’ve used “she” if the dog collar fits):

1. Where does your dog sleep?
    a.    On the floor.
    b.    On an orthopedic dog bed on the floor.
    c.    Under a handmade afghan on an orthopedic dog bed on the floor.
    d.    On your bed. You sleep under a handmade afghan on an orthopedic dog bed on the floor.

2.  At dinner time, do you:
     a.    Pour dog food from a bag into a plastic bowl.
     b.    Spoon canned food into a ceramic bowl with your dog’s name on it.
     c.    Set a place at the table for your pooch.
     d.    Hand feed your dog a meal you prepared yourself, making sure each bite is exactly the right size and temperature.

3.  What is your dog currently wearing:
     a.    Nothing but a smile.
     b.    A dog collar and ID tags.
     c.    A monogrammed collar with a 24-carat gold bone-shaped tag that says “Spoiled Rotten.”
     d.    A t-shirt that says “Whatever!” in sparkles.

4.  When you go out of town do you:
     a    Have a friend watch your dog.
     b    Hire a pet sitter.
     c.   Go out of town, what are you, crazy?
     d.   Carry your dog in your purse wherever you travel. So what if she’s a Golden Retriever?

5.  What is the highest level of education your dog has received:
     a.   Basic obedience training.
     b.   Advanced obedience training.
     c.   Charm school.
     d.   Modeling school.

6.  What are your dog’s favorite colors?
     a.   She doesn’t have favorite colors, she’s a dog.
     b.   Anything that matches her hair.
     c.   Pink and black.
     d.   Turquoise. Pink and black is soooo 2009.

7.  When it comes to beauty and hygiene, which is your dog’s usual routine:
     a.   A quick spritz with the hose.
     b.   A bath in the tub.  
     c.   A day at Ms. Fifi’s Pet Grooming Boutique.
     d.   A salt scrub and cucumber facial with you at your favorite spa.

8.  Which of the following is your dog allergic to:
     a.  Wheat.
     b.  Peanuts.
     c.  Cashmere.
     d.  Caviar.

10.  Which comes closest to the nickname you usually call your dog?
     a.  Hey, you.
     b.  Sweetie
     c.  Ma’am.
     d.  Queen of All Things.

11. Describe her last birthday:
     a.  I completely forgot it.
     b.  I bought her an extra chew toy.
     c.  There was a cake, ice cream, and a pony.
     d.  The harpist was five minutes late and I’ll never live it down.

12.  When she’s feeling really stressed do you:
     a.  Pet her a little more than usual.
     b.  Encourage her to take a nap.
     c.  Hire a massage therapist to work out her muscle tension.
     d.  Feng shui the house to improve the doggy chi.

13.  What do you take to work to keep your dog in your thoughts during the day:  
     a.  Dog hair on everything.
     b.  Her photo in my wallet.
     c.  A joint checking account we share.
     d.  Her other tiara.

If you answered mostly “A’s,” you’ve managed to raise a dog who believes she’s a dog.  There is a twelve step program for that, you know. Mostly “B’s” means you and your dog are well-adjusted.  Neither of you will be needing a therapist soon. Mostly “C’s” indicates that your dog is on her way to diva status, so you might as well encourage her to go for it. If you chose mostly “D’s” without shame or guilt, you’re the mother of a true Diva Dog. You know who is in charge and you can say without a doubt, it’s not you.